Things We Talked About:

• Nigel Barker
• Studio NB
• Edeyo
• Cool Vs. Cruel
• "A Sealed Fate"
• Desiderata by Max Ehrmann
• Skinny Bastard

Dear Discerning Brute,

I've been talking with this guy lately, and we've gone out a few
times. Problem is, he's not even vegetarian (I'm a vegan). I honestly
just can't let myself "look past it"--in my opinion, it's like dating
someone of a completely different religion and neither of you want to
convert; the individual in question may be an all-around great person,
but to figure them into a relationship might not be the best idea, for
both parties.

Am I just being paranoid? I live in a small town in the South,
visit NYC often (family in Brooklyn) and plan to move there upon
graduation. Needless to say, it is VERY difficult to find vegan men
around here! :)

Thanks for taking the time to read this!
"Vegan & the City"

I completely know where you're coming from! I've dated the vegan, vegetarian, and the omnivorous, and there is simply no rhyme or reason to evaluating the potentials of a relationship on that alone.

If you decided to come out as a vegansexual in your small town and date only the veg, you are probably cutting down your pool of available bachelors in the US by 90%, and in your hometown by 99.99%. I don't recommend going this route, though it has its benefits: No need to explain yourself at meals, and less conflict of values. Is this enough in itself to make a relationship work? Not necessarily. I'd say that if everything else is working, the best thing you can do is be patient, compassionate, and steadfast. If he is a good guy, he will find joy in understanding you and he will become inquisitive without you having to push your values on him.

There are several things to be careful of as an equal-opportunity dater:

First, It's important to distinguish that your veganism is not a religion. It is not faith-based. Rather, you are a voluntary spokesperson for a social justice struggle. You must make that clear so he respects it as a choice, not as a persuit of faith-driven puritanism. Second, if he decides eventually to go veg for you, or for any reason - be careful not to end up in a teacher-student dynamic. Often, when I've dated non-vegans who decide to go cold turkey on cold turkey, I end up being their vegan guru (whether I liked it or not) and that can totally kill the chemistry. If this happens, makes sure to have a book and a video to hand over, and step back and let them sort it out without being the babysitter or the critic.

It sounds like if you really like him, you have to stand your ground, and insist on being respected as an animal advocate. If he can deal with that, it's a start. That means he should never, ever put you in an uncomfortable position concerning animals, even if he eats them on his own time. There is no need to accommodate his meat-eating any more than you would accommodate any other sort of disrespect. If he continuously disrespects, ridicules, or marginalizes your advocacy, it's time to lose him and move on.

Yours,

DB