Rescue Chocolate is Sweet Salvation

As if you needed an excuse to help save dogs – now you can get delicious, sweet-satisfaction while giving life-saving funds to animal rescue organizations around the country! Rescue Chocolate is a Brooklyn-based company selling vegan chocolate bars with flavors like Peanut Butter Pit Bull and Pick Me! Pepper. And since Valentine’s day is just weeks away, they have Bow-Wow Bonbons. 100% of the net profits are donated to animal rescue organizations.

Pick Me! PepperPeanut Butter Pit Bull

Chocolate & Cinnamon Vegan Rugelach

Jews are effing great. For example, I was making this rugelach to impress my parents (because while I was visiting in West Palm my mom made her famous rugelach recipe and I asked her to make it vegan for me and she didn’t! Oy! So I got all huffy and figured I’d make it on my own and impress them with it when they came to visit, which I did) and it worked! My mom even said it was better than her rugelach. Jewsus Christmas, thanks mom! My dad ate about 17 of them in one sitting, which is always a good sign from a non-vegan.

Anyjew, here’s the recipe:

Chocolate, & Cinnamon Vegan Rugelach
by Joshua Katcher, The Discerning Brute and his Mom Cindy.

inspired by mom, veganized by me!

inspired by mom, veganized by me!

What you’ll need (makes about 30-40 pastries):

• 2 cups organic unbleached all-purpose flour
• 1 cup organic whole wheat pastry flour
• 1/4 cup coconut oil
• 2 cups organic cane sugar
• 1/4 cup prepared egg-replacer
• 4 tbsp vegan shortening, DO NOT MELT
• 6 tbsp tofu-cream cheese
• 1 package of active dry yeast dissolved in 1/4 cup warm soy creamer
• 1/4 cup cinnamon
• 1/2 cup chopped organic walnuts
• 1/2 cup chopped organic pistachios
• 1 bag of vegan chocolate chips
• 4 tbsp earth balance vegan spread
• 1 tbsp vanilla
• pinch of salt

Directions:

  1. 1. Dissolve the envelope of dry active yeast in 1/4 cup of warmed soy creamer (vanilla or plain) and let it sit until it becomes frothy at top.
  2. 2. Meanwhile, using a mixer or a fork, cream together the coconut oil, 1 cup of the sugar, the egg-replacer mixture, chilled shortening, 4 tbsp of the tofu cream cheese, salt and the vanilla.
  3. 3. Add the frothy yeast & creamer and combine.
  4. 4. Slowly begin to add the combined flours (whole wheat and all purpose) until the dough balls up in the mixer, or it has the texture of tough play-dough against the fork (should be about 2 cups). Set the remaining flour aside for dusting.
  5. 5. once your dough is in a ball, cover with a damp cloth and set in a warm place to rise for 40 minutes, then move into the fridge to cool for at least 2-3 hours or overnight.
  6. 6. Once the dough has risen and then cooled, separate it into 4 equal parts.
  7. 7. On a generously flour, sugar, and cinnamon-dusted surface ( I used wax paper sheets on my dining table) roll out 1 of the 4 dough parts into a circle the size of a small pizza. It should be about 1/4 inch thick.
  8. 8. Over medium heat, in a small saucepan, melt the Earth Balance, then add 1 cup of sugar and 4 tbsp of cinnamon and 2 tbsp of tofu cream cheese. Stir until smooth
  9. 9. Evenly spread 1/4 of this cinnamon mixture onto the rolled-out dough.
  10. 10. Sprinkle 1/4 of the pistachio & chopped walnuts, and a handful of vegan dark chocolate chips, and lightly press into the dough.
  11. 11. Cut pizza-style into 16 equal pieces with a butcher knife.
  12. 12. Roll into small crescent-roll shapes.
  13. 13. Place on a greased baking sheet, and bake at 350 for about 15 – 20 minutes, or until golden. Sprinkle some of the chopped nuts and extra cinnamon & sugar in top if desired.
  14. 14. Repeat steps 7, & 9-13 with the remaining 3 parts of dough.

DB’s Etiquette Recommendation: Autumn is the perfect season for baking. The weather is getting chilly, and people want to indulge in richer foods. I’m totally old school, and I like to make pastries as gifts for people. It’s a time-tested, fail-safe thing to do! And if you’re good at it, it’s a smart way to show off!

LOVE: Valentines Day is Gay

heart

If you are hetero, you can still read the following passage and get some great gift ideas. Same for the single people out there. And none of your bros will think you’re a fag for reading this – unless of course you are – in which case you didn’t watch the Super Bowl last night, like me. I hope that team won – you know, the one with the helmets and stuff…

Valentine’s Day is approaching… er… encroaching! It’s a surprise that the conservative powers-that-be haven’t outlawed Queers celebrating VDay – since most of us can’t actually prove we are in love through a costly and daunting, state-sanctified, ceremony of governmental approval. Thank god!

If you are still single and sick of your parents asking when you will deliver them their grandchildren, use this day to come out of the closet, even if you’re not gay. (At least it’ll get them off your back for a while – and then when you do fulfill the godly-destiny, they’ll be that much more excited to know the ‘gay thing’ was just a phase. Thank god! Again!)

Three Stupid Ideas for a Stupid Holiday
(read this if you’re single and bitter)

1. Send out a fake family photo. Photshop your head into the most disturbing Google-searched family photo you can find and send it to all your friends and family (FYI, that’s my head, not my body or baby or wife or creepy pool-birth-scenario). Like so:
Happy V day

2. Send a custom card or message, like so:
HappyVaDay

rotten apple

3. Call your Ex.

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Three Ideas for the Well-Adjusted, Happy, Single Person

1. Get a friggin’ massage already! No one wants to hear your knot clicking. The men’s spa at Nickel is pretty dope.
Nickel

2. Take a yoga class at Javamukti and be at peace.
jivamuktiblossom

3. Sex toys for men? Yes indeed. Take this day to love yourself. Buy a sex toy and go at it with the person who knows your body best – you! Check out Babeland for the best sex toys in a totally inviting and professional-ish environment. You can even get vegan latex products and eco-friendly vibrators.

anal beadsvibratorprostate

If you’re not in New York, check out The Sensual Vegan for online toy shopping, or for more leather-like gear see VeganErotica.com for the best selection that you can have delivered by Vday without the dead cow skin!

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Three Ideas to Get Your Stupid Girlfriend or Boyfriend or Transfriend or Partner or Spouse or Whatever.

1. Chocolate never fails. Unless it’s filled with pus. So stick to the vegan chocolate.
vegan chocolates

2. Romantic dinner.

veganomicon

Prepare it yourself with this amazing cookbook (and don’t forget the candles). Check out the amazing soy-wax candles at ‘A Scent of Scandal’.

scandals …or go to the most amazing vegan, gourment restaurant on the Upper Eeat Side, Candle 79.

food

3. Adopt a fuzzy friend for your lover from the shelter, or a farm animal from Farm Sanctuary! adopt
then make spring-time reservations to go visit your new animal-friend on a romantic weekend-stay at Farm Santuray in Cali or New York State.

New York Farm California Shelter