This is the 10 Spring Essentials list you won't find on , however, on that website you will find an obnoxious video about the rich, rotund, 'hipster' (what does that even mean anymore?) Gordon Hull, of Surface to Air, running around in limos and eating foie gras stuffed-hamburgers. Dude! Major gross-out! Find out why meat is not so manly HERE. I guess some of us who find ourselves in positions of influence still have no clue how to use it or what re-defining 'cool' is. Gordon, #1 is for you: 1. Burger at Counter

counterburger.jpgThis has to be the best burger I've ever had. Hands down. Oh, did I mention it's vegan? It's an irresistable and manly blendmarried in a fever of wild mushroom paté, house-made seitan & fresh herbs served with pommes frite. Try it along with the "Married in a Fever" martini, a perfect Johnny Cash-inspired red wine-poached pear nectar and smoked pear infused vodka that'll send you to Valhalla. This East Village spot is great for a date, a gathering, or just a glass of organic wine.Dennis Brown

2. A Pair of Shoes

In an ideal world we'd all be dumpster-diving and thrifting, but if you must have squeaky-clean new kicks this spring (so you can play the part to get into a position of influence, to then unleash your agenda, right?), score yourself a pair of these NOVACAS 'Dennis Brown' shoes from the Mooshoes store, like I did. They are handmade in Portugal, eco-friendly, animal free, reasonably priced, and slick as all hell. NO VACAS means "No Cows" in Portuguese. One more reason to move to Europe.

3. The Media Empowerment Kit

MEKNot just for Teachers — Adbusters’ Media Empowerment Kit will inspire you or your students to break out of the media consumer trance! Comes with a years subscription to Adbusters Magazine, a necessity for any Discerning Brute - now that's smart!

Originally designed as a flexible teachers’ aid, the kit features 43 lesson ideas, including personal challenges, group activities, discussion starters and eye-opening readings. Lessons are divided into three areas: Explore Your Mental Environment, Explore Your Physical Environment and Create Your Own Meaning.

4. Bubble StickersWhat War?

On the topic of creating your own meaning: jiu-jitsu advertising from a one way profit-seeking brain-fuck to an empowering, democratizing experience by participating in the bubble project. Advertisers pollute the mental environment and bombard us with branded messages incessantly. Take back a piece of public space, say something, talk back!

5. Voltaic Generator Bag

Voltaic Generator BagImagine what MacGyver would have done for one of these? The Voltaic Generator is the first solar bag powerful enough to charge a laptop. It uses high efficiency solar cells to generate power in the limited space available. It includes a battery pack custom designed to efficiently store and convert the electricity generated. It can also charge cell phones and most other hand held gadgets. Shell, webbing, mesh and lining all made from 100% recycled PET soda bottles!

6.Chino Shorts

Don't whine. Chinos are classic, and they are so easy to find at any Salvation Army or your grandpa's closet, there's no need to get a new pair like these smoke-gray Helmut Lang, plaid Etro, mondo John Varvatos, and bismark blue Miu Miu. Cuff 'em, too.

Helmut LangEtroVarvatosmiu miu

7. A SmellHerban Cowboy

Whip yourself into shape with Herban Cowboy's line of Organic Grooming potions. Deodorant, cologne, shaving cream, and soap! Original and Dusk scented - Soy ink on recycled packaging, organic & vegan ingredients - and hella' sexy. No patchouli here, you dirty hippies.

8. Vegan Condoms

Vegan Condoms Did you know most condoms contain milk protein? Not so sexy. Talk about a milkshake...yuck. Vegan Glyde condoms to the rescue! They use the sexiness of cocoa powder instead, and work just as well as their milky counterparts. These flavored and colored condoms are free of animal ingredients. I like the black ones! Order a bunch here.

9. A Shelter PupShelter Pup

This is Marky. He needs a dad to hang out with. Look at his floppy ear! My friend Amy runs Sugar Mutts Rescue, it's great if you're in New York City. HSUS has a huge resource on adoption nationally. Adopt a New York City animal in need today from NYCACC, BARC, Sugar Mutts Rescue and ASPCA.

10. A Bike

recycle a bicycleIf you haven't gotten a set of wheels, how else do you intend to participate in Critical Mass while showing off your short, vintage chinos and trailing a dusk-scent while charging your voltaic bag that's strapped to your back? Check out Recycle-a-bicycle (3 locations in NYC).